Sunday, May 13, 2018

Mother's Day!

Mother's Day was such a beautiful day. The weather was perfect, and we enjoyed family time. We went to the Mother's Day service at our church, and afterwards Thomas and I brought Sveta, Oliver, and Dennis to our house. We spent the afternoon getting it ready for the family to come over, and making a special dinner.  It turned out great, and we had a lot of fun!


Dennis made Mom this nice poster. 
Happy Mother's Day to my amazing, loving, forgiving, fun, incredible Mom! You are my best friend, and I don't know what I'd do without you. You really are the Master of Mothering!

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Even though today was a great day, it was also a really hard day for me. During the church service, I was brought to tears many times during the worship, baby dedications, and message. At the end of last November, Thomas and I had a miscarriage. It was hard at first, but I thought I was doing okay after awhile. Now that months have passed it's really hard. I think about it all the time, and that's not an exaggeration.  I think, "Now I would be X amount of months along. The room would be ready. I'd know the gender. I could feel it kick, only if I didn't miscarry." I've blamed myself and struggled a lot with anger, depression, and confusion. I wonder when the pain from it will go away, but right now it's hard to think it ever will. It's easier said then done to trust in God, His perfect timing and that He has it all in control. I know all that deep down, but it doesn't mean I struggle at times, and I feel guilty for being angry at God, when I know He loves me and is hurting when I am. I don't understand why Thomas and I are going through this, and I most likely won't on this earth. Right now, I just keep praying that if it's His will, He'll bless us with another baby someday.

9 comments:

Jill said...

I appreciate your honest feelings about your miscarriage. I’m sincerely sorry for your loss. I will pray for you two. I know you know this but it bears repeating often- He loves us more than we know - beyond what we can imagine.

Naomi F said...

So sorry to hear about your loss. You will be in my prayers. Love Naomi

QueenB said...

I'm so sorry Julia. The loss of a baby brings pain that goes beyond words. Your body remembers what was supposed to happen when, so does your brain. You will grieve, you will sorrow and cry. Be gentle with yourself, and do not allow guilt to even enter in. He is in control. He is carrying you through this hard time and will never never leave you. We do not know what tomorrow may bring, but we know without a doubt who holds it. And you. Name your baby, celebrate your baby's life however short, and look forward to the day when you shall see your baby, and Jesus, face to face, in all of His glory. Praying for you.

Anonymous said...

Oh Julia I am so sorry about your miscarriage. Praying for you and your husband both.


Sophia

Anonymous said...

Sweet Julia, I've been through this twice (coincidentally, the first time was in a November). I had so many of your same thoughts, questions, and feelings - especially what that child would be doing each day and year. That first time was in 1978, almost forty years ago now. I no longer think about that loss EVERY day, but there are many days when I still think about that child, and the one I lost six years later, and wonder what those children might have been and, at this point, if he or she would be married, have children of their own, what career he or she might have chosen.... My thoughts have even gone to the more "silly" ones - like, would one of them have been the red-haired daughter I hoped I'd have. Those children will never be forgotten! No medical explanation was ever found for those miscarriages, and I went on to have two full-term healthy babies after those losses. It is just crushing, losing a child, and all the thoughts that we have after, but as others have said - He has a plan, even if we don't always understand it. There will always be that hole in your heart, missing what might have been. You will love and think about that little one, but try to also keep thinking about the many, many wonderful things that will come in your future. You have a wonderful husband and Mom, a loving family, and strong faith - let them all be a support to you. Time really does help, even though this loss will never ben forgotten. Sending you {{{BIG HUGS}}} at this difficult time. Ann

Heather Keno said...

I am so sorry for your loss ❤️

Kathy Cassel said...

It gets better but you never forget. I went to a very small hospital in England and it was a week before Christmas and the doctor was so insensitive. Maybe not on purpose, but to me it was my child I was losing, and the doctor said, "Well, let's just finish this off" and took me back for a D&C. When I tried to share with someone at church about it, she told me, "Well when I miscarried I was at Bible study the very next day." Not the sympathy I wanted. I needed someone to say "That was you baby and it's okay to hurt and someday you'll meet him/her in heaven." It gets easier but you'll never forget. We were in Haiti one time visiting the twins at the orphanage and I realized it would have been the baby's 16th birthday if he/she had been born on his/her due date. I totally lost it and had to "disappear" for a while.

God bless you. It's okay to grieve. Journal if it helps. Write letters to that child or your future children. But don't stop dreaming.

I did find out later that I have translocated chromosomes and that may have been the issue. I had a higher than normal chance or either miscarrying or having a Down's baby. I'm glad I didn't know that until after I'd had two birth children and already adopted a child just out of a desire to adopt.

God bless you both.

Buba said...

Saying we love God’s will is easy. Doing it is hard. Pray everyday, not to understand but to love. I'll keep you in my prayers

Marilyn said...

Hi Julia............such a lovely Mother’s Day with family. Both of my daughters had miscarriages and it’s very hard and sometimes people can be quite insensitive with comments. Of course you are grieving.........that is very normal. I know where I live there are support groups, but of course that isn’t for everyone either. You take care and do what’s right for you 💕

Marilyn from Canada